March 19, 2014

watching what I'm up too.
 Good day to you all,


Hoping everyone has been great; since I’ve been a busy little bee.

My life has been spiralling like crazy, but in a really great way. This coming weekend I have a program function to be at. I will be packing up to go this afternoon so making tomorrows travels less stressful. This I can thank my past trucking career and Kyle for. Honestly Kyle more than trucking simply because I would pack myself up before and always forget something. Since being with Kyle all this time now and him being such a planner things have finally started to wear off on me. This is not to say I’m as good as he is as I am still quite a screw up, but now I am certainly less of one. 

Life has been super busy; the final edit of the book is being finished up today. This doesn’t even seem possible really, but it most certainly is happening. We will start the marketing in April and will be running the entire month. I will be playing around with the site adding stuff and removing some; the excitement is bubbling up inside me like never before. I was never able to believe that I had anything in life great to share with the world; you beautiful people have shown me that this is not true. Without your unending belief in me none of this would be happening. I have all of you to thank in so many ways, and unable to do more than to praise you for sticking with me through the roller coaster of my life.

The beauty of this book is it has allowed me to open up about my life beyond my alcoholism; beyond my car crash; beyond MS. It is my life not just little sections of it. I for a long time believed that I was my job; my family; my friends. I have found out that allowing myself to be me for probably the first time ever that I am ME and everything around me are but extensions. Not the other way around.

It is remarkable to me how my faith grew stronger the sicker I became. I would have thought that a person such as I with the character I have would have gotten angrier; I am uncertain how the opposite happened. No matter the reason; I am grateful. Faith for me has always been a complicated thing. There have been so many aspects of it in my life. I won’t say I have ever been a Christian person; I won’t say I have ever been atheist; I will most certainly say I have been confused. It has taken me years and years sober to figure out what makes me tick this way and for that matter I’m know I couldn’t still put it to paper properly. It is so many little pieces that put me together. I know my mom taught Sunday school at church; but I have no recollection of it. I know I was brought up with clean and wonderful morals. Yes I fell short of those a lot; but that is how I knew I was raised with them. Without knowing right from wrong how does a person know they are doing wrong?

Guilt; you hear people say all the time I feel guilty; the next sentence is some justification for that feeling. I have learned through the years that simply if I am feeling guilty it’s because I have done something wrong that I deserve to feel guilty for. The only way for this girl to not feel guilty is to not live the behaviour; or say that one thing that hurts someone. I often speak without thinking first, it is probably my worst quality. Most people justify my mouth by saying that I’m always honest; this is true; but honesty can also be cruelty. I am happy to say that I have over the years learned to curb my honesty a bit. My mom always used this famous line on me; It was that if I didn’t learn some diplomacy that some day someone would teach me some. I am glad to say that I learned that on my own before that day came.

I am feeling a little high horsey today. I think it just because I am happy; when I get happy I really like to think I know what I am talking about. This is so not true as I need to have paperwork to go to Red Deer for the weekend and I have misplaced it all. Crazy how I can think that all is grand in my world when something as simple as losing a few pieces of paper has the power to send me off the deep end. This thought brings me straight back to that stupid parking lot at the hospital that I wrote of last post. Things are just rolling merrily along then womp side swipe!! All this because of something so simple that my crazy MS mind turns into a catastrophe. The list of what that simply thing is unending. Just the other day in physiotherapy I was not able to do something as correctly as I thought I should have been able to; the tears were instant. I calm myself down and do something different; all right with the world and yes it really does happen that fast.

Life is good; really good actually. Physiotherapy twice a week. Elliptical every morning; weight dropping off by a pound and a half to two pounds a week. I’m making great strides in the strengthening department too. My balance continues to be a battle; that to is coming along very well. I am able to stand on a soft mat with my eyes closed for 30 seconds now; yesterday I actually stepped up on a curb without assistance. Up until now I always go to where the ramp is to go up on a side-walk or use the hood of my cat to lean on. Yesterday I did it hands free and down by my side without the fear that I was going to fall on my head; okay maybe a bit of fear; but I did it any way.

Well this is enough of me rattling off for today. Thinking of you always.

Love and hugs Fiona

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