Heart Broken

It has been a month and half since I posted my joy of attempting to go to work, well today I’m heart broken to share that this will not be happening.

I honestly don’t remember if I posted the results of my evaluation but to say the least it wasn’t favourable. Okay that’s probably a little over reactionary, they were concerned that my fatigue was going to be too much. I did my pre-trip and driving very well none of that is the issue, the issue is that while preforming the pre-trip my legs wouldn’t work to stand up twice. My muscled we so fatigued due to how much walking, bending, and climbing was doing. I was going on the knowledge that on any normal day I wouldn’t be working this hard, but when I really started thinking about it honestly I do understand that what is a normal day in the trucking world? Normal in the trucking industry is as rare as finding a so called “normal person” on this big ball we live on.

Here was my reply to their concern letter which I will not post due to it being on their paper with phone numbers and all.

Christian,

I have read your concerns; I’m saddened to read you do not believe my abilities are enough. I see a doctor who is filling in for my doctor May 30 @ 10:30 to get a referral have the up to 75 pound assessed.

I do know that running south is for certain my best option as the US is handicap friendly where Canada is severely lacking. Nearly all US truck stops have handicap parking to ease up on fatigue issues.

When I’m running south I’m in one truck unlike when I was regional I went through 10+ in a six-month period due to continued breakdowns (no fault to me.)

I will be pulling up by my truck loading in my suitcase parking my car and starting my pre trip, I won’t be parking 250 meters away and walking that distance twice. I also had walked into the office twice adding another 100 meters. I understand this is nit picking, I just know I’m 100% better now than before. I was truly a quadriplegic on my deathbed within 3 months of getting out of the truck on January 29, 2011.

My abilities to safely preform my job as a long haul driver running south I believe completely viable. I will use my ladder to safely get in and of the trailer plus to top up fluids. In my opinion using a ladder is safer than climbing tires and the like.

These are my thoughts; I do hear your concern though. I can only hope you hear mine.

I thank you for reading this.

Fiona.

Since I wrote this letter to them I have been sick and back in my wheelchair again. I was just saying to a dear friend this morning about how many times God has to hit me with a big freaking stick to get me to see that I don’t get be in my truck yet. So this morning I sent the following link to my people.

To whom this may concern

Love and hugs Fiona

Comments 7

  • Hugs to you my friend. A difficult decision but probably the right one. Things will get better for you; just keep climbing that mountain and one day you will reach the top.

  • So sorry to hear this Fiona. I am one year post and had to come to the realization that I will not be returning to the field of Interior Design. Outside sales rep is not doable for me as I cannot fulfill the job performance. I am trying to find an inside job and will make the best of it. My new norm. I will use my skills on my own house, family and friends. It is bitter sweet, but we should be blessed by having HSCT.

  • Thank you to both of you Trudy and Erika
    Yes things simply just keep changing.. I’m four and a half years post transplant and have been quite mulish about letting go.. lol It seems to be in my nature..

  • I think you know this is the best decision you can make at this time FiFi I know im happy your not back out there killing your self after all this hard work you have put your self thru . God has plan for you .

  • Lol I knew you would be so happy for my final decision.. I love you buddy for being honest with me… I did have a girlfriend really put the rubber to the road for me. She said flat out I don’t want you to DIE!!!! I love all the people that love me and took all your thoughts into my final decision.

  • Fiona,
    I am so sorry that you are not getting to go back to work. I understand all too well where you are at. See, this is my 20th year fighting this MonSter. My dream as far as I can remember was to be a nurse. At 23 I was diagnosed and I had 2 kids, they were about 2 and 4. I saw no way of going back to school with this disease so I didn’t until they were in high school. I graduated from nursing school as an LPN in December 2010 and went to work and I worked as a nurse up until October 2014 when I had a major exacerbation. I am now on disability and am doing so much better. I have fought my husband tooth and nail for the last 6 months about me returning to work but he keeps saying its not a good idea and so has my neurologist. I honestly want to go back so bad, that was my dream after all but after much soul searching and prayer I realized today actually that I am being selfish about wanting to go back, just for myself but I don’t think it would be fair to my patients for me to return as I don’t think I can give them 100%. I look back at the last 4 months that I was working and I remember how hard it was for me to remember things and once forgetting something extremely important. This is such a heart wrenching decision for me as I am sure it is for you but physically and mentally I know I am able to give my patients what they need. I am sure I making the right decision but its killing me to realize I am not returning to nursing. Good luck to you Fiona. I wish you the best of everything.

  • Halley,
    I do apologize I thought I replied long ago to you.
    I thank you for sharing your journey with me… I completely get that I am not alone in this painful situation… It is truly a blessing that we can share tales with each other so we don’t feel quite so alone in the fight… I to realized my selfishness and how awful it was for people who loved me to watch me torture myself through my own ego.

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