I’m putting out into the universe again, and asking all of you to continue to do the same. I’m needing these steroids to not make a difference. I’m needing my body to just simply be mad at me for overdoing like I have always done. I need my body to just simply be tired. I’m needing this to not be happening.
I just took my first 25 50 mg tablets of prednisone. Yes it is that amount 1250 mg every 2 nd day for 10 days. I can already feel myself Zzzzzz around. This amount of steroid make my body feel crazy. I will within the next couple of doses start to swell up. I won’t fit my clothes. My skin will be so tender from the swelling the I can’t wear a bra with straps because I feel bruised. No one will be able to touch me because I will be too sore. This is what I will look forward to over the next couple of weeks. I’m so sad, I never in my wildest nightmare would have believed I would be here again.
I was talking with my sister earlier today. I said to her that my greatest dream for all that is happening is that I wish more than anything to actually be that paranoid hypochondriac that people thought I was before. Yes I know, I know how crazy that sounds.. If I was that person though none of this would be real. Sadly I’m not that person anymore today than I was then.
I talked to Marjorie in Ottawa this morning, she is no happier that they starting me back on prednisone than I am. All for the same reason. Marjorie of course went along with what three doctors out here are agreed on. First my GP, then a resident that did my neurological exam, and finally my neuro-ophthalmologist. With this collection people who have seen me and examined me, where can a person go with that.
I hate watching Kyle get angry. It breaks my heart really. He’s not angry with me even though I feel partly responsible even if it’s not anything I have done or not done. Just how I feel when I see the look in his eyes. I understand this is all based on fear well reality really.
I do love that he simply says “what will be will be.” My sister also basically said the same earlier. I can simply smile at these pure views of love and know they are true. my folks too, my Moms has taken over my line which is “it is what it is.”
I did do some stuff today. Marjorie was wanting me to do stuff. I was grateful to hear this as everyone else has been telling me to do nothing. That I need to sit relax and let my body heal. Marjorie and I are on the same page. I need to do what I can or I seize up really bad. No movement for me is as bad as too much. I did a load of dishes. I did a load of laundry, I put together my lunch. I did up my catheter receipts for Manulife. I prepared, scanned, and emailed some paperwork for my Frameyra. Reading over this I’m pretty impressed with my day.
I lay here knowing that things no matter what they will be, will be exactly as they are meant to be. This statement brings me peace. My dear friend Ralph used to say make a plan, not a prediction.
I spoke with his daughter Angela yesterday, it brought up great memories of my friend. We talked deeply of her father. I’m excited that I have something I can do to possibly help her grieving process. I won’t be able to share my plan due to the fact that it may get read by her or someone who knows her. Just know I have a grand plan that I already put into action. It’s great to find something that gets me out of myself. I will do the absolute best, to get what I want done, done!!
Amazingly it’s already eleven o’clock. I’m going to take my sleeping pill soon so I can have some sleep tonight. I haven’t needed a sleeping pill since my transplant. Without one now on prednisone I’ll be awake literally for days until I would crash out of sheer exhaustion. This would not be helpful.
Love and hugs Fiona:-)