Good morning everyone, okay not so good for everybody. Another of my dear friends received their MS diagnosis yesterday. My heart continues to be mystified by this horrible for some and not so horrible for others. I’m going to have to stop having friends, (joking) it does however cause me to shake my head.

I have known lots of MSer’s, mostly family, plus more that I’ve met within MS circles. Lately though friends dear to my heart. Friends who have been there to hold my hand through all those times I have been in dire need of support. The friends who have been there since the beginning the people who I admire in all ways. My emotions are feeling all out of whack. I seem to be feeling lost for them. One is doing very well with their diagnosis, mind you it has been well over a year now. My friend yesterday is a not anywhere near. It causes me anguish to see such beautiful people going through this emotional wringer. I remember the day I was diagnosed like it was yesterday even with everything that has gone on since. The day you walk out of that office with someone telling you that you have Multiple Sclerosis. The battle of denial and rebounding from the devastating news is different for everyone. I know that my denial of having MS was minimal until they changed my diagnosis to Marburg Variant. It was the change of my diagnosis that my denial started. Then from starting it flew into over drive.

From the denial of the disease for me came great strength to battle it, even when I didn’t really know what it was. I knew I had MS, I knew mine was different from most. With all of this though I knew that I had been raised with grit, as my mother would say. It was time to dig in my heals and fight with all I had, and that as you know is exactly what I did. I will push all I know with my positive attitude, and mostly cheery demeanor to be all they can be. Ha! Ha! I sound like a US army commercial. I will start that right now. I was up bright and early after not getting put to bed until 2 this morning. By the time I was being helped into bed I had been awake for 23 hours; it really is no wonder my movement and ability to stay awake was nonexistent. My peepers opened about six; I got up stoked the fire and back to bed. It was a little over an hour later when I decided to get up. I puttered around for a bit. Swept the floor which I’m thinking now was a silly idea as Kyle just brought in a bunch of wood. Now I’ll have to do the floor again, but that will be later; maybe even tomorrow. I grabbed my yoga mat and off to my room to do some strengthening. I did all my homework from my physiotherapist. There in the back of my brain is that little voice that says you can do it today I know you can. That little voice that whispers to me about running after a month of being out of the hospital and six months of paralyzation; the little voice that says you can jump, I know you can. Well my little voice was at it again this morning. I had finished my bridging, my clam shells, my squats, and counter push-ups as I’m past wall and not up to floor yet. Here’s the whisper, psst, psst, try a plank, just try I bet you can. I’m now thinking to myself I’m at it again the crazy’s kicked in. I get back down on the floor and give it a go!! Well there I am for the first time in a year and a half doing a plank. Okay now don’t get too excited, ha ha just kidding yelled to the world if you wish. I got up off the floor with yoga mat in tow raised as fast as I was able yelling Kyle you have to see I did it, I did it. I don’t know if I can do it again, but I’m going to try. I was down on my mat in the middle of the living room. Saying “you’re not watching.”  Kyle says “you’re not doing anything.” I say “well watch, because if I’m able to get up it will be up and down pretty fast I’m sure.” I did it, I did it again. I was able to hold it for a whole 2 seconds. 2 planks in one morning mere minutes apart. I tried a month ago and I was even able to lift my knees off the floor little own my entire body. I am so stoked, I’m not sure if you can hear my scream, but it is loud and joyous. I’m now off to get dressed to take my little dogs for a walk. I’m going to head up town as far as I’m able I have a big hill to master, but I’m going to go as far as I can. I will have my cell phone to call Carrie who has my car because of course I was in no shape to drive home last night or Kyle to pick us up. I’m actually going to head towards town and see if we are able to make it some of the way to Carrie’s place to pick up my car. I know I won’t make it because I do know my abilities, but I’m going to walk as far as I can before making a call. I will fill you all in later on how great I do. Until then, loving you all.

I am now home with my car. Kyle drove the dogs uptown. From where he dropped us off we walked 2.5 blocks to Carrie’s to pick up my car. I was a bit annoyed that no one wanted to let me do what I wanted. I continued to be a miffed for a while as all I wanted to was walk from the end of our drive as far as my body would take me, and then I’d call for a ride. No one else was on my page. I understand they don’t want me worn down to where I can’t take a step, because sadly that’s where I end up running on my own. Funny when I was leaving Carrie’s I was explaining to her why it’s not necessarily good for me to go out without back up. She was thinking I could start out go about half the way I thought I’d be able to go, turn and go back. This to a normal body makes sense to me that doesn’t work. I explained it like this. It’s the same as a gas tank on a car. The top quarter of the fuel tanks you way farther than the bottom quarter, but there both a quarter a tank. My body is the same the first part of my tank is great I go, and go, and go. My bottom quarter is depleted way faster. This is why no wandering off on my own.

I was pooped enough after all my activity that I napped from 4 until 5. It’s now 10 and I’m dosing off and being kicked into bed again already.

Love and hugs Fiona

Boy have I missed you.. I had no idea how much I needed this blog. I may not be doing this everyday now, but without it I am absolutely crazy. I am so sad for my day. I finally had my meltdown, it took all day to get here, but it finally happened. I think you should all feel really bad for Kyle. This poor man from the moment he came in the house he knew something was off with me and that he should probably be hiding out. He did however give me the benefit of doubt, well let me say that didn’t turn out so well for him. It did however send me in to do this. I have been feeling many things over the last few days. The one that really hit me tonight was that I didn’t realize how important this blog has been to my mental health. My brain went into shut down mode this afternoon when I arrived home from three different appointments this morning. I have been waiting for two weeks for HP to send me the 2 cartridges that I need for my printer. I have paper work backing up all over the house that needs to have copies made. I need to print off forms. I have monies outstanding all over and it just makes me nuts to not be able to do what damn well needs to be done. Oh I could just scream!!!!! O my God I just want to swear at the world, kick my feet, and anything else that will ease the crazy feelings in my heart. Okay maybe my head. Ranting when I need to rant has always been sufficient to get me out of wherever I am, but without doing this that doesn’t seem to happen. Back to the ink issue. HP had the address wrong after I told them at least 3 times, possibly 4. Whatever the number they had it wrong. I called back a couple of times to give them the correct address when my ink hadn’t arrived in the 2 days that it was supposed to. Well it has been 2 weeks like I said, so there have been many 2 days of shipping in this time. I called again on the weekend which led me to call UPS. UPS finally delivered this afternoon. I open the package overjoyed that what I needed was finally here, and wait for it!!!! It was the wrong colour, are you freaking kidding me it was the wrong frigging colour. Our Photosmart printer needs to have all 4 colours to work properly. The ink that is in the printer was all good except for the blue, and remarkably unless all the ink is working it won’t print properly. I needed the blue and they sent damn pick. Argggg!!!

The last few day have been a whirl wind of I don’t even know what which makes me sad all on its own. When I wrote to you all the time I was able to keep what my days were like straight in my head, now it all seem to mash together. I know today has been just one of those days. I probably did too much, but it’s not like this isn’t me! Everything started off not to bad I did get 20 minutes on the elliptical same as I have for days now. This I can’t say is making me happy as I was getting upward of 35 a few weeks ago. Mind you I am grateful for any. I am doing different programs though, so I’ll look at that side, maybe that is where the difference lies. Right after that I was I front hauling wood into the living room when I dropped a piece of wood slipped out of my hand and a sliver was to be had. I’m going to say I was damn grateful when sweet Kyle was home and took it out of my finger. I will say I was not happy to have it done, holy crap did that hurt, and it really was a very big sliver. I just went out and asked Kyle how long it was and he said “3/8s of an inch. That’s why it hurt so bad going in and coming out. All I know is that’s one crappy way to start the day. I stood and cut up a weeks worth of salad before lunchtime. I did up all the pots and pans from making us Kung Pao Chicken for supper. That sadly is what actually started my meltdown tonight. It wasn’t the washing of the pots and pans it was about left over Kung Pao Chicken if you can imagine that? I’ve completely lost my everything tonight. I’m much better now though.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday to get the process started for my new crown and they put my old one back in as the temporary, it stayed in for an hour at the longest. There I sat missing my front tooth. I wasn’t a happy gal to say the least. I’m at the dentist again today after having to crawl up the stairs into my acupuncturist. He had to fix me well enough to continue on with my day. The acupuncturist did a good enough job that I could get in and out of the dentist with my tooth put back in well kind of any ways. It’s in and I don’t have a hole there, uncertain how long it will stay, but for now it’s in. I get my new a proper crown on March 9th and that can’t get here soon enough. I have to be in Calgary on March 10th for Botox.

Wow I can’t believe how just being able to type this fast helps my get all this crap out of my head. I bet you were all hoping that my first blog back would be something more inspirational, well guess what? No such luck, just me and the shit show of my last few days and for that matter only today really. I did have a very busy and productive day. Enough griping, I’m going to sound like the person Alisha and I were talking about this afternoon, which is also a bit of what is going on with me tonight. She used a work which remarkably right now I can’t even remember, but earlier when she used it to describe me I flew off into a tizzy. I’m annoyed really annoyed now that I’m unable to remember something that would upset me so. I know I get it; it’s not something I need to remember, which in my mind is a good thing. Oh please don’t get me wrong; it was something I need to figure out. I think I reacted so poorly to her thought; because I was already so raw, and worn down from the entire day. I will look into my emotional breakdown over it more tomorrow, but for now it’s bedtime.

I’m completely uncertain who will see this; or how many will just pop in to see it; what I do know is I feel better.

Love and hugs Fiona

Good day all,

I suppose it’s good night really.. I’m going to have to start weening this blog of mine down to weekly soon as preparations for my book finishing is becoming my main focus. I need to pay attention more than ever before.. I’m just going to say I’m excited, fearful, or more likely nervous than fearful. Whatever it is that’s going on I need to get it and I on the move.. So much left to do or think I need to do.. I think truly the hardest thing I’ll have to do is not do this everyday. Writing to all of you has become such a huge part of my days just not doing this is seeming impossible.. Funny how setting out to do this to keep my family and a few close friends in touch from so many thousands of miles away turned into what it has for me. I’m sure, well I know this has turned into a daily thing for you my loyal readers too. *Laughing* what exactly you guys all get from my crazy ramblings I don’t really know, but it certainly is something or you wouldn’t bless me with your time. Now that I never take your loyalty and love for granted. I know that without you I wouldn’t be me. You’ve truly became a part of who I am. To the people I know personally and amazingly the ones I’ve never personally met, you’ve all changed me in many ways too. Being able to share my everyday truth with people who others would class as strangers, to me is remarkable.. Having to tune this down to a few times a week will be a trial for me. Then the lazy part of me causes my mind to go places like, if I slow down on this that one day I’ll just stop. I will do my best to slow though. I’m hoping that some more people will subscribe to not miss out on up and coming blogs.. I’m thinking I’m going to be writing on topics I find of major importance to my heart and mind.

Today I did twenty minutes on my elliptical. I did the simple ness of a load of dishes and laundry. I finally de cluttered the diningroom table. Then spent an hour filing for the first day in weeks. It nice to have a full day of productivity. Kyle came in around lunchtime, I was still filing. We had a battle of attitudes in the morning which tends to get us both doing thing, but in different directions.. He normally goes on a cleaning frenzy, but today that was me and he went outside. By lunch we talked it out like big people *laughing*. It’s always good when common sense takes over. I had salad for lunch, changed out of my workout wear, and we headed to Olds for groceries. All and all it was a really nice day.

Love and hugs Fiona

Great day all,

I’m happy to say I feel like I have come back today for the first day in a while. I mean I’ve been good just not as good as I would like to be. This is just me with expectations of myself that are nearly impossible to meet. Hehe, notice I wrote nearly.. This morning I needed to be at the chiropractor’s office for eleven o’clock. Before that I had to have time for my elliptical, shower, and energy reboot..

My elliptical, I did better than I have in quite a few days. I did cheat some though. At nineteen minutes which is the same as I did yesterday, I was exhausted. Okay I wasn’t, but my calves most certainly were. I was nervous of what was happening as my calves have never been an issue on their own before.. Yesterday my masseuse worked a lot on my calves, I ended up calling her as I was nervous that there was a problem, she simply said, “Fiona, they will be hurting due how deep I went yesterday.” I was glad to hear this.. I hung up the phone, I had a two minutes of rest got back on the machine and did another eleven minutes. My grand total of the day was thirty-one. I was overjoyed even with the rest in between. I haven’t done thirty minutes since at least a few weeks ago.. It felt terrific.. Then energy to shower, dress, and put the dogs in their house.. I didn’t have time to puppy proof so the house it was.

My chiropractor appointment was good. I called my pharmacy while I was waiting and had them put my next two months of catheters to the side so I could pick them up. I called to make my acupuncture appointment for next week too. It was funny actually I was trying to book the appointment and everyday is booked except Tuesday and know it is too. As a matter of fact on Monday I have two appointments. At nine I have to be in Olds at I have my physiotherapist. At twelve-thirty back in Three Hills I have a dentist appointment..  Then everyday next week I have something. It’s crazy how busy I am this nk  in.

 

The rest of my day was spent visiting friends, and grabbing the mail. I was home by one-thirty. I loved up the dogs, I had my salad for lunch.. It was late, but so worth waiting for.. This was the rest of my day, relax, relax, relax..

The love of a sweet girl..

The love of a sweet girl..

Great day to you all,

Love and hugs Fiona.

 

Will fill in later today.. It 5:30 and I just woke up after going to sleep at 9:00 so no blogging got done..