April 13, 2015

Fiona's Fight book cover

Back to the day-to-day boringness of my life accept it will be less than day-to-day just as my life is just so damn busy. I am already knowing that tomorrow will be a do nothing day as I did so much more than I should have today. I have been productive, overly productive.

Things have been so great for me, everyday a little better. My physiotherapy is going great. I can now stand on a squishy mat for 60 seconds with my eyes closed. Closed with my eyes actually closed, this is huge for those who know how bad my balance is or was. I am doing the wobble board front to back, side to side, and diagonal. Amazing how far I am coming along. I am now able to step up forward onto a 4 inch platform when I started stepping up on a 2 inch. The 2 inch in the beginning just about stopped me in my tracks. I’m also able to side step on the 4 inch too. This just started on Friday, on Friday I was only able to do 2 side step on the 4 inch. This morning I did all five side steps on the 4 where on Friday I did the remaining 3 on the 2 inch. My progress amazes even me. I am my toughest critic. I start my day at physiotherapy on Monday’s and Friday’s. Every other day of the week I start my days on my elliptical for a minimum on 20 minutes. I’m down to 206 pounds. Starting at 230 in December. Life is so great to have this much energy. The book launch is on the 25th and I’m hoping to be below 200 by then. I am eating healthy and exercising, loosing it the correct way is helping my spirit too. It is great to see stretch marks as this means that I really am loosing weight. I see the number go down on the scale , but sometimes that doesn’t really seem real to me. It has been so long since I’ve had this much energy that I’m scared that it will just go away again. I still really suck at allowing myself to believe I may actually be getting better and staying that way day after day!

It was our first year anniversary of our new home yesterday. We couldn’t have celebrated any better than to do all the work we did. On the weekend Kyle and I planted a few flowers. I killed off a couple of trees I didn’t want. We moved two tractor buckets of rocks. I finished pruning my trees and Kyle loaded a few buckets of my twigs from around the yard too. We spent a perfect weekend outside beautifying our yard. The fact that I was outside for all of it is spectacular. The fact that I really was out there moving rocks is beyond spectacular (I’m not certain what that is, but I’ll tell you it’s huge.) I haven’t been able to throw rocks since before I was ill. I think it was on Friday when I was out pruning that I wasn’t able to stand up. There I was laying out on the lawn for a half hour waiting for my legs to strengthen enough for me to stand up. The best part of this is that no matter how much I over due that all I need to do is rest and I’m right back at it.

I was reading my sweet Denise’s blog this morning and how much our lives, well not our lives, but our emotions are exactly the same. I go to the place where she is at these days a lot over the years since my transplant. Okay this doesn’t count 2014 as I was back getting more attention than I knew what to do with, but since then and before 2014; the times when I’m healthy and not requiring as much attention. When I was always so ill there were always people (so many people) I mean when a specialist would come into to my room to see me there was normally 10 or 15 residents in the room with them. My health was such an anomaly that people would want to be witness to my uniqueness. When I spent the first 7 years of my disease like this loosing all those people over the next 3 years (less 2014) was quite a shock to the emotional system. I forgot that a bit until I read Denise’s blog this morning when she was writing about the fears that she is dealing with now that she is going through the same emotional upheaval. It took me quite a bit of work the first time after my transplant. I will say that this time after my 2014 craziness has been a lot easier. I have gotten right back into living my life without seeing a doctor once a week again fairly well. Now here’s to hoping that I can stay away for a whole lot longer this go around.

This is seeming like a bit of my life over the last week or so. Things are swinging along on a fairly regular pattern. I sure hope that all has been well for you. I am going to take off for now. I have the Lions club tonight. I’m going to bring up getting our float planning for the Canada parade tonight as July is coming along faster than I realize. I know it’s only April 13th, but it was only April fools day a few days ago or at least that is how it feels anyway. Things are just rolling away without me these days. Too much too fast!!

Love and hugs Fiona

April 4, 2015

Fiona's Fight book cover

Good day all,

HAPPY EASTER

Hoping all is well with all of you. I am doing fantastic. The craziness of last week have begun to settle. I was so bad at one point that for 3 days I wasn’t even able to sign my name. I did come clean to Alisha how far the stress had taken me down. My nerves were so frayed that I wasn’t able to sign my own name things had been pretty rough. I have slowly been calming some. Most of the big stuff seems to be calming, which in turn means that I am also.

I must say that my exercise is coming along in great ways. My weight is actually starting to come down too. Things are going very well. I bought myself that great new scale that shows my BMI as well as my water, and weight. I am excited to share that since I started being able to workout again that I BMI has gone down from 36.9 to 34.1, and I’m down to 206. I am still certainly a large gal, but in comparison to the 230 I started at in December I’m doing amazing. I’m watching all my calories and workout everyday. I am at physiotherapy twice a week. I normally do 20 minutes on the elliptical plus my physiotherapy home work. This morning I did 26 minutes, feeling great today. I walked out down a bit of the driveway to chat with Kyle for a bit too. It was to cold for suck I am, I said “babe to damn cold out here for this camper.” I turned and headed back into the comfort of our home.

This afternoon we ran into Three Hills to do a bit of shopping. I have been on a bit of the down low today other than the above as yesterday I took off for Calgary for the day just because I could. It was a perfect day. The weather was wonderful, traffic was quite being a stat holiday. Having nice travel made the day better than I thought it would be. I was out of the house at 7:50 I cruised into the city was at the meeting I wanted to go to mere moments before it started, but that was okay to. It went until 10:30 then I stood around bs’ing for a half hour. I also down about thirty stairs and back up as my car was at the top. It felt great to do this as we have no stairs around here so it was terrific to do some of this. This has gotten me to thinking that I should get one of my friends in the city to meet me once or twice a month a go do some stairs. Ha-ha it will be work for me, for them just hanging out with the girl wanting to climb some stairs. Well this can wait for a bit, sure am glad I had the thought though. On with the rest of my great day. I left the meeting and headed to the hospital to see my dear old friend Heather that has been in for a few weeks now. I wanted to see my dear friend Maggie that was in from Winnipeg too, but she was leaving to head home earlier than expected, so straight to Heather I went. We had a beautiful visit. I ended up being there for 4 hours before I registered what time it was. You know your having a great time when time flew by like that. I was meant to be there, she got talking about needing to get a scooter when getting out of the hospital. I said I can take a look and see what we can find, onto Kijji I went. Well I will tell you, to my shock the first thing I see is exactly what she needs and wants so there I am sending off an email to the owner of this beautiful little red scooter. I show the picture to Heather, she is all excited she says “Ooh Fiona it’s even the colour I want.” Well I looked at it and said “well it’s the price I want.” She is going to pay me back of course. but it was terrific to be at a place where I can purchase it for her so she doesn’t miss out on the great price. Life is so great these days I feel as though I may need to pinch myself to see if I will wake up.

Tomorrow my folks are coming around one to have a nice ham lunch with us. I don’t know if I have said how much I love living this close to them. Just last week I was up there for the day. I went a did a talk at the MS group in Lacombe then out to my folks for the rest of the day. It was so terrific, I got to do a bunch of stuff done up for her on the computer. I then putter with some paperwork for the government that needed to get done. I’m always glad to help in any way I can. Being close is the best.

I can’t believe the book launch is only in 21 days holy the count down is on for me. I had probably start practising the excerpt from my book that I am going to be reading. I need to be able to get through it without crying or well at least crying so much that I can’t read. I hope any of you that will be coming will excuse the blubber. Well for now it is time for me to have a late supper holy I can’t believe it’s already seven-thirty. I’ve done nothing with my day. Any ways talk to you all soon I promise. Last week I wrote and didn’t post it. Now you’re getting 2 in one day.

Love and hugs until next time.

Fiona

 

March 31, 2015

Good day,

Here’s to hoping you’ve had a good week. I know that mine has been extremely busy. This kind of busy has definitely been difficult on my nerves. There has been no shortage of stress, which in turn doesn’t play nice with my body. I have muddled through although it hasn’t been easy. With everything happening with the book and the launch my world has been spinning out of control. I have to give oodles of love to Alisha for keeping me as calm as she know’s how, even though I don’t completely share all that has been happening to me.

March 24, 2015

My beautiful family

Woo hoo!!! My Manuscript has been sent in for print. This is a day that I never really expected would come to pass, but here it is. All of the month of April will be me push, push, pushing my book. Marketing has never been my thing, but for the first time in my life I really believe this can and will become something special. I really am uncertain how much to say, so I will leave it here about Fiona’s Fight the book.

This is a great day. I am shocked that I am still standing after the weekend I had in Red Deer and then the days since I have been home haven’t slowed much. I will admit that since the writing and the editing are now finished my stress level has lowered a tad. I think by the end of this Alisha was ready to kill me with all of my changes. It was quite difficult to write of my sobriety without breaking traditions. Funny I have written on here for years now and never had a problem, but when trying to have two of us muddling through things became a bit more complicated. It is all good though or I hope like the dickens I didn’t miss anything, but I think we’re good. I did just put in an order for updated business cards as my old ones have all my info from out home. Plus I can now truly say I am an author. How amazingly fantastic is that?

Some moments during the day I am so excited I can barely stand to stay in my own skin; then other moments where I want to run and hide and never be seen again. The run and hide is basically what I have done most of my life so it is always the easiest thing to do. I ran into a bottle and stayed there for as long as I was able; that was until I hated myself so much I had to find another path. I found recovery and hid in the rooms for quite some time too. Then long haul trucking for the rest of my life until my God found that it was time for me to catch up with myself. I’m in no way saying what happened with my sickness was God’s plan, just that it was time to slow down. I still don’t heed very well to this advice. I am simply home and going as hard as I ever did I’m simply a little slower due to my abilities being less.

This weekend I was so amazed with my abilities. I was nervous going away for the weekend alone, but I pulled it off smashingly. I packed myself up, didn’t forget anything (this is unheard of.) I drove to the city unpacked the car; got into the hotel; checked in and got me and my stuff up to my room all alone!! The conference I was going to was way down the far end of the hotel and I do mean WAY down the hall. I took my walker because I remembered how far it had been last time I was there, but did I really remember? I thought I had , but last time I was in my wheelchair and someone else was with me all weekend, so as it turned out I didn’t really remember, but I sure did find out in a hurry. Mind you the other things I found out last weekend staying at a hotel alone is that handicap accessible is miles from accessible. I already knew this of course, but I haven’t been alone to deal with it since being of the highway. I was having to ask strangers to come to the washroom with me so they could help me out of the bathroom; why? Well because when walking in its easy as you push the door; exiting you need to pull. It is impossible for me to pull when my walker is between me and the door. This sadly was one of the small things; I have a list, but they have already been sent in, in my complaint to the hotel. I am most grateful to be me and never shy to ask for assistance or I would have been in some pretty major pickles. As things turned out it was an amazingly productive weekend; grateful that I got to go and excited for next time.

This past week and coming week are just a really good warm up for all that is to come over the next six to nine months I think I am about to become a very busy gal. I am hoping without hope that my body, mind and spirit will be able to keep up. I am booked to speak in Lacombe on this coming Friday. Then the book launch is in a month (more info soon.) Then in May I have three speaking engagements and book signings. I’m pretty certain it won’t stop there. Like I said I’m so excited, but then just writing about all of it is making me tired; actually doing it all is a scary thing for me. With all that will be coming I will just pray that my body will hold out. With this thought I might as well share that a bit; my body is doing great. I’m doing physiotherapy twice a week now at the hospital in Three Hills. I’m still doing a minimum of 20 minutes a day on my elliptical even on the days I do my physiotherapy. I am down to an amazing 209 pounds now. I started somewhere north of 225. My weight loss has been tremendous, but I do work really hard. This morning was a bit of a shit show; I was up, dressed and on my elliptical at 8 before I realized I need to be in Three Hills at 8:15. Wow you should have seen this little crippled girl move. I went in the close I had on as there was no time to change; so I was a bit chilly. I had on my three-quarter length tights on (that I would never normally wear out in public, I’m still by far to fat to be running around in these.) Any ways it was what it was, I just couldn’t spare the time. I made it into the hospital by 8:22; great time I must say; and I only went 107 all the way there. Then I came home about 9:30 had my breakfast smoothie; made a few calls and out the door I went again. I had an 11 o’clock appointment with my sweet Erica (wellness co-ordinator) It was great to see her and she was impressed with my weight loss. Erica is all about doing it the correct way (which of course I have been.) I have been keeping track of all my calories and all of my exercise. Taking very good care of myself really. I’m always so grateful when I’m able to stay well long enough to actually get a bit stronger. I’m at this point praying to stay this way for longer than a year this time.

I’m thinking this is enough out of me for now, when I have more news of the book I’ll be sure to keep everyone abreast. As for now I’ll write again in a week or so as I have been trying to do. As you can tell I’m a very busy gal these days. Know that I’m thinking of you all; always.

Love and hugs Fiona

March 19, 2014

watching what I'm up too.

 Good day to you all,

 

Hoping everyone has been great; since I’ve been a busy little bee.

My life has been spiralling like crazy, but in a really great way. This coming weekend I have a program function to be at. I will be packing up to go this afternoon so making tomorrows travels less stressful. This I can thank my past trucking career and Kyle for. Honestly Kyle more than trucking simply because I would pack myself up before and always forget something. Since being with Kyle all this time now and him being such a planner things have finally started to wear off on me. This is not to say I’m as good as he is as I am still quite a screw up, but now I am certainly less of one. 

Life has been super busy; the final edit of the book is being finished up today. This doesn’t even seem possible really, but it most certainly is happening. We will start the marketing in April and will be running the entire month. I will be playing around with the site adding stuff and removing some; the excitement is bubbling up inside me like never before. I was never able to believe that I had anything in life great to share with the world; you beautiful people have shown me that this is not true. Without your unending belief in me none of this would be happening. I have all of you to thank in so many ways, and unable to do more than to praise you for sticking with me through the roller coaster of my life.

The beauty of this book is it has allowed me to open up about my life beyond my alcoholism; beyond my car crash; beyond MS. It is my life not just little sections of it. I for a long time believed that I was my job; my family; my friends. I have found out that allowing myself to be me for probably the first time ever that I am ME and everything around me are but extensions. Not the other way around.

It is remarkable to me how my faith grew stronger the sicker I became. I would have thought that a person such as I with the character I have would have gotten angrier; I am uncertain how the opposite happened. No matter the reason; I am grateful. Faith for me has always been a complicated thing. There have been so many aspects of it in my life. I won’t say I have ever been a Christian person; I won’t say I have ever been atheist; I will most certainly say I have been confused. It has taken me years and years sober to figure out what makes me tick this way and for that matter I’m know I couldn’t still put it to paper properly. It is so many little pieces that put me together. I know my mom taught Sunday school at church; but I have no recollection of it. I know I was brought up with clean and wonderful morals. Yes I fell short of those a lot; but that is how I knew I was raised with them. Without knowing right from wrong how does a person know they are doing wrong?

Guilt; you hear people say all the time I feel guilty; the next sentence is some justification for that feeling. I have learned through the years that simply if I am feeling guilty it’s because I have done something wrong that I deserve to feel guilty for. The only way for this girl to not feel guilty is to not live the behaviour; or say that one thing that hurts someone. I often speak without thinking first, it is probably my worst quality. Most people justify my mouth by saying that I’m always honest; this is true; but honesty can also be cruelty. I am happy to say that I have over the years learned to curb my honesty a bit. My mom always used this famous line on me; It was that if I didn’t learn some diplomacy that some day someone would teach me some. I am glad to say that I learned that on my own before that day came.

I am feeling a little high horsey today. I think it just because I am happy; when I get happy I really like to think I know what I am talking about. This is so not true as I need to have paperwork to go to Red Deer for the weekend and I have misplaced it all. Crazy how I can think that all is grand in my world when something as simple as losing a few pieces of paper has the power to send me off the deep end. This thought brings me straight back to that stupid parking lot at the hospital that I wrote of last post. Things are just rolling merrily along then womp side swipe!! All this because of something so simple that my crazy MS mind turns into a catastrophe. The list of what that simply thing is unending. Just the other day in physiotherapy I was not able to do something as correctly as I thought I should have been able to; the tears were instant. I calm myself down and do something different; all right with the world and yes it really does happen that fast.

Life is good; really good actually. Physiotherapy twice a week. Elliptical every morning; weight dropping off by a pound and a half to two pounds a week. I’m making great strides in the strengthening department too. My balance continues to be a battle; that to is coming along very well. I am able to stand on a soft mat with my eyes closed for 30 seconds now; yesterday I actually stepped up on a curb without assistance. Up until now I always go to where the ramp is to go up on a side-walk or use the hood of my cat to lean on. Yesterday I did it hands free and down by my side without the fear that I was going to fall on my head; okay maybe a bit of fear; but I did it any way.

Well this is enough of me rattling off for today. Thinking of you always.

Love and hugs Fiona