Not a good day,
I’m having the worst day I have had in months. It’s amazing what twenty-four hours can do. I have been crying for hours. I’m not sure where to start with this. My new family doctor up here set me off today. Plus I’m upset with my walking speed. I had to do a test for my Fampyra drug. My first 25 foot walk was done in 5.34 seconds, then my second one was done in 5.20 seconds then today 5.47 seconds. This is the worst speed test I have done in two years. My first test that was the 5.34 was in 2012. Now I sit at 5.47 in 2014, this seeming that I am certainly going the wrong direction. Plus I am back to 6.5 on the EDSS scale. This to is going the wrong direction. In July of 2013 I was in Ottawa seeing Dr Freedman and Dr Atkins and I was 3.5 on the EDSS scale. I was doing amazing. I’m sliding, I’m scared. I may talk tough and think I can leap tall buildings in a single attempt. What is real for me is that none of what I think I can do and what I can really are so not the same thing. Oh look I blink and now vision is slowly drifting away. As a matter of fact I feel kind of like I’m floating away from the screen. I’m certain reading this you maybe feeling as odd as I right now. Possibly this me wishing someone else feels like me. What an awful thing for me to say. I honestly wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’m having an off day.
Man I wish I knew what was happening to me and why. I ‘m feeling broken. One of my nurses in Calgary told me today that Dr Pearson thinks I’m relapsing, and Ottawa is disagreeing. I feel lost between the world of fixed and broken. I know I keep saying how okay I am with all that is going on. I admit that most days I am okay with whatever is happening then there are days like today where I am not okay with anything. I am so sad I not sure how to cope. I just cry and cry. Kyle came in from working on the ramp tonight around eight. He worked all day at his full-time job, then comes home and puts in another five hours outside doing all he can to make my life as simple as possible. Then when he comes in the house I’m falling apart emotionally as I have been most of the day. He says to me that it is probably because I had such an emotionally charged yesterday that today it’s possible that I am just over done. This make sense to me, I am just not sure if that is the reason I’m such a basket case today.
All of this craziness started for me when I went to the doctor’s office. When I showed up there I checked in and waited for half hour before anyone even came into my room. Then when someone came in it was yet another resident instead of my damn doctor. My first annoyance was that the resident didn’t even tell me her name. I’m tired of going to the doctor and never seeing the doctor. Never would I have thought that I would be so dismissed. I’m not sure if I was actually dismissed, it should do feel like it though. The fact that I called into the MS clinic at eleven just to get the information to fill out the form. When she wasn’t even willing to come in the room talk to me. I have to get over all this today. I hate feeling like this.
I need to get my shit together tonight for tomorrow. I’m heading into Red Deer I some running around that I didn’t have time for the other day. Plus my legs could not stand to make on more stop. I’m uncertain how I will do tomorrow, right now that doesn’t matter as I’m sitting on the couch. Tomorrow will come and tomorrow will go. I will figure it out I suppose.
No more tears, now it is’s about facing my truth.
Love and hugs Fiona:-(