I will simply start by saying it has been a day. I started off with an early morning Face Time with Denise. This is such a terrific way to start my day. I am grateful to be doing this tonight as it reminded me that lots of this day was not as rushed and spastic as the rest turned out to be. I did my final large dose of Prednisone. I am finally starting to taper down. This is a great day. The second big news of this morning is that I helped the MS Society with some interesting information. I can not speak of it really, I am just proud of myself, I did a good thing. When I can speak of it, I will inform you all of the news. This is a day that I can look in the mirror and be grateful to be me. This brings me back to yesterday too. When the social worker came into speak with me I was told in many different synonyms of persistent how great I am. This shocked me, caused me to cry, and allowed me to actually realize how some people view me.
I missed a call from the MS clinic today. Someone must be thinking something is up as with my visit only being yesterday. I haven’t written much over that last week due to my fear of what people may think. I’m still bothered by all the hurt from before when people were accusing me of being a hypochondriac. It’s amazing how much that hurt still affects me. I was speaking with Terry at the MS Society and it is frightfully common how often this behavior happens. Now with my relapse if that is what this is, I am feeling lost and confused again. I really don’t know to explain it entirely. I know that there have been no relapses with all the people who have had the HSCT. It is seeming that I am once again coming out of left field to cause myself crap. I wrote in here a little bit ago about wishing that I was crazy it would help this make sense to me as my disease should be halted like everyone else’s. When I say everyone else’s I mean that around the world not just here at home. There have hundreds possibly thousands of these procedures done around the world. How is it that I seem to be the one that is going through this. Ugg some days I just want to scream.
I am so swollen. Driving around today has been quite a chore. First stop was the post office. I wanted to finally get a gift that I bought a couple of weeks ago sent off. It became a bit of an issue due to the size. I am so glad that Carrie and the postal lady worked so hard to find a way to ship it safely. I’m so grateful for Carrie today. I picked up her and Quinn at twelve-thirty. Carrie was my legs all day, she’s a good soul. We headed to Red Deer.
First stop in the city was supposed to be Mr Lube. I received one hundred dollars in coupons for my fundraising efforts for the MS Walk. Kyle’s truck was due for an oil change so they came in handy. This plan was a good one with one exception, that was that cars were stacked two deep a every bay. Off we went to drop off Quinn’s walker for repairs. It was at Motions where things turned for the worse for me. It was here that I felt just like the old days. I haven’t pee my pants in three years. I pulled, parked, this in itself became something. I drove in the packing lot and headed straight for the handicap stall. There was a car pulled across a stall right at stall I was going into. I actually had to swerve to the right a bit and park into two stalls. I was stunned that someone would partially cover a handicap stall sideways in front of a business for handicap people. How anyone would think that this is okay is beyond me. I pulled in so tight they certainly got the hint what my opinion was of their stupidity. I had to pee, I was desperately trying to settle myself down enough to make it in side. This as you already know didn’t happen. I stand up and instead of a little squirt my bladder released. I went into the store and straight into the bathroom. I cleaned up and put my pants in the sink. I washed them, I rinsed them, I wrung them out, I got redressed. Memories rang through my mind as this process happened. I have stood at too many sinks for too many years cleaning clothes, and here I go again.
I put a sweater on the seat, this is how I drove around the rest of the day. My sweater came in with me to my sleep apnea appointment. I came home with machine that is going to be keeping me alive. This seems a little oxy-moron to me. I am just saying that if I really am back on the Malignant list why give me a machine that is set up for keeping me alive. I have always thought that this is the way people wanted to die. They just lay down and don’t wake up. Shockingly it is dying in your sleep that everyone has wants, and this freedom is what the are taking away.
Anyways this is seeming to make little sense, so I am going to let you off the hook. I am going to bed. Been a long day. Lots of emotions and thoughts on a bunch of stuff that no one knows anything about.
Love and hugs Fiona:-)